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April 13th, 2006
11:49 pm - Guess whaaaaaaat....
It's new quiz time!!
Go take it NOW!!
Weird-Ass Quiz II: Electric Boogaloo
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December 14th, 2005
01:56 am - A poem
I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up I hate fucking up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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November 26th, 2005
07:02 pm - Saw this thing on Michelle's and thought it was funny
1. My uncle once: Sorry, I don't know my uncles.
2. Never in my life: did I think I would be happy.
3. When I was five: I lived in California.
4. High School was: a colossal waste of time.
6. I once met: Stan Winston.
7. There's this girl I know who: has a D cup and won't let me touch them.
8. Once, at a bar: Sorry, never been to a bar.
10. Last night: I watched Hellboy again
12. Next time I go to church: will be the first time I've been to a church.
15. When I turn my head left, I see: garbage.
16. When I turn my head right, I see: books and more garbage.
18. How many days until my birthday?: 352 days
19. The last time I had sex: Jen was really loud. lol
20. By this time next year: I'll probably still be sitting here in front of a computer.
21. A better name for me would be: Fat Bastard.
22. I have a hard time understanding: girls.
23. If I ever go back to school I'll: need you to kill me.
24. You know I like you if: I say, "I like you."
25. If I won an award, the first person I'd thank is: myself.
27. Take my advice on this one: don't drink orange juice after brushing.
28. My ideal breakfast is: something someone else made for me.
31. My favorite blonde is: Michelle from R.O.D. :)
32. If you visit my hometown: you might be a redneck.
33. Why won't anyone: listen to me?
34. If you spend the night at my house: I sleep naked, just so you know.
35. I'd stop my wedding if: I died.
36. The world could do without: people.
37. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick its butt.
38. Paper clips are more useful than: paper weights.
39. If I do anything well, it is: bitching.
40. And by the way: your shoe's untied.
41. The last time I was high: I couldn't stop talking (if you call that being high).
42. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: people!
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November 10th, 2005
06:19 pm - IMN
Suicide
Don't give a fuck about this, my life or any other
Just go away and let me hang
Impossible to forgive, forget it, murderer
I'm in control
Living a lie
Make you pay at all cost for this love sick bullshit, bring it
Decisions making themselves. I don't need you, thorns in my side
So I die
Determined
To bring you all down with me. break you, beat down
No more fucking empathy from me for you, fed up
I've had enough, duality, my war
Existence
Instigated controversy, lay down, sell out, so wrong
Drag the blade and go away, I stand cold cruel and lost
Take me, I'm ready
Your pressure, my time, eroding my life
Fight for your honesty
Fight for integrity
All work and no play makes me sick
I want to eat a bullet, carve myself, beat my face
Catatonic, dig my brain, no pain, suffocate
Stomach aches, don't give a fuck, I'm out, I'm done
Fuck this shit, you've dug the hole I'm lying in
No one, no one could ever understand
My life's exhausted
No one, no one could ever understand
Pressure constricting
So hard, like a stone
Fight hard, break bones, break
No one, no one could ever understand
This life IMN
My world
My rules
My noose
My world
My rules
Fuck you
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October 17th, 2005
01:16 am
Jen may lose her baby.
How should I feel about that?
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October 14th, 2005
01:56 am - Happy?
This song seems to have particular relevance to my life the past year or so:
In this hole, that is me, the dead are rolling over
In this hole, thickening, dirt shoveled over shoulders
I feel it in me, so overwhelmed, oh this pressured center rising
My life overturned, unfair the despair
All these scars keep ripping open
In this hole, that is me, a life that's growing feeble
In this hole, so limiting, the sun has set all darkens
Buried underneath, hands slip off the wheel
Internal pathway to contention
Peel me from the skin, tear me from the rind
Does it make you happy now?
Tear meat from the bone, tear me from myself
Are you feeling happy now?
In this hole, that is me, left with a heart exhausted
What's my release? What sets me free?
Do you pull me up just to push me down again?
Does it make you happy?
Are you feeling happy?
Are you fucking happy?
Now that I'm lost left with nothing
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October 13th, 2005
08:43 pm
Veronica called the cops on me. They came to my work. "Sonya, can you take over? The police officer wants to talk to me." Followed by about two and half seconds of silence, then "uh.. yeah." I don't remember how long I was talking to him. Felt like forever. When he showed up I didn't think anything of it, until I noticed him looking at me and my nametag. I hoped he was there cuz that kid thinks I wanna stab him. But no, Veronica called the police because I was trying to find out how much Ambien it would take to kill me. I took two last night and was feeling kinda funny, and I guess to Veronica, that meant I was taking more. Reasons I wasn't enjoying this: 1) I hate talking so much to strangers about myself; 2) I'm not conformtable talking to guys, especially ones I don't know; 3) Two of my managers watched the whole thing. When he finally left, I couldn't look them in the eye. I could feel them looking at me though. Days passed waiting for someone to say something. Finally, mercifully, Crystal said, "You ok?" "Yeah." "You wanna go home?" "No."
I hoped (almost said prayed just now) they didn't come to my house. At first my mom didn't say anything, so I thought I was ok. "No such luck for you!" They came. Know what's worse? They told my dad. He told my mom. My dad knows. Fuck.
Mom asked what happened. Eventually, I told her about Jen and her pregnancy. Relived the whole thing in my head. Fought back the sobbing. Not in front of my mom. Mind went grey while I lost myself in the patterns on my drinking glass. Fingerprints. Scratches. Copyrights. Seam lines. Picked at them with my nails. Never once looked up.
Oh, I told the other Veronica at Gamestop about it, briefly. Big mistake. Big. She did not want to see me there at all after that. I'm fuckin stupid.
I'll see Jen for an hour tomorrow at work. Not sure what to make of that.
Incidentally, people have recovered from overdoses of 400mg of Ambien. That's 40 pills. I have 35. Go figure.
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October 10th, 2005
11:36 pm
God Bless Vaginas.
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September 3rd, 2005
01:59 am - It's the end of the world as we know it... and I feel fine.
I know I haven't used this thing in like a year and a half. But there's no one else to talk to these days. At all. All my friends from college have graduated and moved on. Jess, Krista, Becky, Nicole, Jeff... I don't work at Jewel anymore so the only time I see them is when I try calling them. But they never answer most of the time. Serena, Michelle, Veronica, Lindsay, Jim, Sarah, Liz... I didn't hang out with all of them, but I still think they were my friends. Laurie's moved. Shelly has her boyfriend... Veronica and I have been getting to know each other again. But she's on another planet sometimes. I just feel like an alien when I talk to her. Like we're speaking different languages. I'm not describing it very well, am I?... Berenice was never around much, but I think I freaked her out the last time we talked. We haven't talked since. I don't even remember what I said anymore. But she didn't really like talking to me anymore. Toya is always busy. Ridiculously busy. So she's out. Sara's also always busy. Plus I can't talk to her like I can talk to other people. I don't know why I can't talk to her about important things. I just get the feeling she doesn't want to hear it. She bitched me out once. She said she didn't have time for my "bouts with depression."
So I turned to Myspace, like Michelle said. That's how I met Lily. I think everyone knows that story. It still hurts. That I was too ugly or too fat or too dumb or too dorky or too much of a loser to even want to talk to anymore. Was it something I did? Or was it something I am? Did I freak her out or did I just disappoint her. Maybe both. She's too pretty for me I guess. Cuz she was amazing. I'm so stupid for even thinking I had a chance with her. Fuck me...
So I tried some new people. One went far pretty fast. I added a girl named Alicia who likes Mudvayne and Blade and The Nightmare Before Christmas. She looked ok in her pictures, and I started sending her messages and she would write back, but didn't really seem like she was making an effort to talk to me. She would just answer my questions about herself and that was it. But then one of HER friends added ME cuz I had some stuff on there about anime and shit. Her name's Meredith and she looked kinda plain from her pictures. But she liked to talk ALOT. I learned from her that Alicia's kinda shy, which is why she never knew what to say to me. So randomly, Meredith asks me to hang out. So I went to her house today and we played Playstation and hung out. She's cool and looks a little better in person. Way skinny. Totally didn't see that coming from her pictures. Like crazy skinny. It's weird. And tall. But anyway. But she's got a boyfriend. I know I'm retarded for saying that, cuz I'll take a new friend any day. Especially one who likes alot of the same stuff as me. And she's nice and tells me I'm cute and stuff. So that's fun. So anyhow. She convinced Alicia to come to a movie with us. Alicia looks waaaaaaaaaay better in person. Like hella cute. She had this Slipknot sweatshirt on and these big jeans. She has long hair that's died kinda a fading wine red. And the hottest glasses I've ever seen on a girl. I know that's kinda weird, but it's true. So I sat next to her during the movie. I was nervous cuz I'm dumb like that. So now Meredith knows that I'm kinda crushing on Alicia. But Alicia's fixated on her ex-boyfriend. Hardcore. Says she's in love with him and shit. She also said she turned down a "perfect" guy cuz she's still in love with this other guy.
I don't fucking get this. Why is this so hard?? Why is it so hard for one person to like another person and have them like you back? EVERYONE has someone else. Why did I have to break up with Shelly? My life was perfect when I was with her. I swear it was the happiest 3 years of my life. Nothing mattered to me but her happiness. And now it's gone. Probably forever. Even if she did say she wanted me back, I don't know if I could do it. She hurt me so much. All I would be able to think about is that other fucker with her. That's the worst part. Thinking it COULDN'T be the same again, even if she decided she loved me again. She's been with him for 9 months. Nine. It would be 4 years for us if she never broke up with me. I honestly don't think I can ever be happy again. I used to imagine being older. Still with Shelly. Married. In a house somewhere. Maybe in California. And now... nothing. I see nothing. And I'm so scared. I'm terrified of what will happen to me. My future is empty. Completely empty. No friends. No girlfriend. A job I hate. I can't even fathom being happy again. I don't know what to do.
You know what the worse part is? I'm $16 away from maxing out my credit card. Plus I had like $300 in my bank account when I quit. Plus I got $300 from my mom for drawing stuff for her brochures and shit. And it's all gone. That's $2400 in 4 months. Partially cuz my car broke down, but mostly cuz of the Revenge of the Sith toys and Wizard World. I think the toys are truly the only thing that makes me happy any more. And that's the worst thing of all. That these stupid fucking plastic men are the only thing I have to look forward to. I get up, take a shower, put in my contacts and get dressed, come online and check my Star Wars sites, go eat breakfast, find some shit to do, dick around online and then go to bed and it all starts over.
FUCK! I'm talking to Alicia right now and I'm fucking freaking out. I don't know what to say. I don't know what's creepy or what's sweet or what's wrong or what's right or what's coming on too strong or what's dorky or what's what. I'M FUCKING FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!! I HATE MY FUCKING SELF AND EVERYTHING I FUCKING DO AND SAY! WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKING MENTAL CASE!!!!!!! And why doesn't anybody give a shit anymore. I'm really gonna become my own character one day. So hateful of everything that when the oppurtunity presents itself to kill every single fucking person on Earth, I wouldn't think twice.
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April 16th, 2005
12:12 am - LAURIE IN A BUNNY SUIT!!!
Hilarious!
 </a>
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April 14th, 2005
05:53 pm - Quiz?????
I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!
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May 17th, 2004
01:37 am - Weeeeeeeee!
So I realized I haven't read any of Michelle or Laurie's posts in a long time. Then I realized my last post was in April.
So what's new in the world of Brian?
Well... My mom ordered me all my mask making stuff. Waiting for that. Ruined my Echo Base Troops. Bought new ones. Haven't got them yet...
I found three new figures at Meijer today. I startled Shelly cuz I screamed when I saw them. The new Dengar is incredible. I like the new Bossk too. Speaking of Bossk, as soon as I get all my mask making stuff, I'm gonna get started on a mask of him. Yay for costuming.
Oh! I made the first building for my Heroclix map! It's just the structure so far. I just gotta detail and paint it. Fun, huh?
Sara and Nick wanna play Heroclix on Wednesday. And Lauren PROMISED me we would hang out on Friday. Yaaaay! I'm excited. We're gonna watch Star Wars and it's gonna be awesome.
Other than that kind of stuff, the only thing that's been happening is Michelle and Pam. I want Michelle to have a girlfriend dammit. So cyuuuuuute! hehehe
... Wow, how do you guys find stuff to say in this all the time?
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April 19th, 2004
12:28 am
No one ever responds to my posts...
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April 17th, 2004
02:30 am
I've noticed that school crap occupies alot of my mind and therefore my intermittent posts.
So I finally got together with Bree yesterday. We went to Borders. She got coffee but didn't know I don't drink coffee. lol. Oh well. It was nice.
I miss Michelle. :( She's in New York. She'll be back the day after tomorrow. I'm glad she doesn't hate me. I seriously thought she didn't wanna be my friend anymore. I was sad. I cried.
I miss Lauren too. She's been gone since last Friday. I think she gets back Sunday too. But I won't see her at work until NEXT Friday. I hope I see her online or something. She was starting to actually talk to me and stuff. lol. She's really shy I think. She said she'll watch Star Wars with me. :) I'm happy.
I'm really sick of working. It's so damned boring. Seriously. It's such a drag...
Laurie voicecalled my phone today just to wave and say hi. That made me feel so much better. :) I was smiling to myself and I think the next customer thought I was weird. Oh well.
Aaaaaand I guess it's been the same old stuff. Wanting to make movies, wanting to finish my models. I have to finish Veronica's sword too sometime. I'm tired of school. I wish I could make Shelly feel better about being behind and portfolio review and stuff.
Mad TV isn't very funny.
It was nice and warm outside tonight. We shoulda had sex in the grass. Hehe :)
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April 15th, 2004
12:10 am
Two weeks. Two weeks left of school. After tomorrow. That's only 4 days to finish my Kamino painting and 2 weeks to do one last illustration (maybe 1 other one if I have time). 3 class periods to make my ring. 2 weeks to finish my paper. 4 class periods to do an as-yet undecided Photoshop illustration. I kinda wish class wasn't cancelled tomorrow.
I wanna be Abe Sapien. Maybe if I was buff. Then I would paint myself. lol
.... Bored.
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April 8th, 2004
11:27 pm
A being of immeasurable power. Who gave you this power?? GAVE?! I earned this power! I am a God! I alone have the power to set things right!
If I had the power I would destroy every human life on earth. Human Extinction attack. Produuuuuuuuuuce.
Lifetimes spent between the firing of synapses. There are more than one. They are infinite. What you are seeing is countless entities being born, living, and dying in less time than it takes the photons careening off their bodies to enter your eye. Yet they live. How. Why? What can we learn from them?
You have never believed in a god. Now you know there is one. You have seen it. You have spoken to it. Yet you were not its creation. They were. You just happened. They were both right...
My hands melt like hot clay. Burning from the inside. The heat flows through my bones, dissipates from my veins, my capilaries. My fingernails explode into infinitessimal shards, each one piercing the heart of a giant. They all fall one by one, never seeing it coming. Their single burning eye was focused on themselves, in the mirror created by the tidal pool from the flood of their homes. Who has flooded their homes? The river of bees has broken the dam. The river is not made OF bees, but FOR bees. Killer Bees. They rush around the giants' faces, looking for water. The giant leader killed the queen and now they hunt them down until they give them water. But the river they built has flooded their homes.
The bird-men of Avatar. Their casqued heads were once used to protect their eyes in the undergrowth of their homeland as they chased chikkit mice and rudder worms for food for their familes. The women hunted while the men tended the children. But now they have developed their society. The casques have become status symbols.
I need a maquette of one... Is it too late to make one? Do I have enough Super Sculpey?
Lauren... Lauren Lauren Lauren. You and your hair. Your hair. Brown. Layered. And that look. Like a dog.
Boy of Hell. Envy is green. So what is red? Hate? Anger? Orgasm? I wish I was fireproof.
Random. Redundant. Confusion. Loneliness. Hunger. Feed. Protect. Lubricant?
I'm Wayne Brady, bitch.
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March 30th, 2004
08:24 pm - Weeeeeeee!
THANK YOU EVERY DEITY THAT HAS EVER BEEN WORSHIPPED FOR ALL TIME!!!
I finished my fucking jewlry project today. It turned out better than I was planning on, but if I was better at soldering it woulda been an awesome project. Maybe if I take the next class. But I don't know if I want to anymore, this one gets pretty stressful.
Aaaaaand Kim pushed back the due date for the Photoshop project. Yay for that. But I still have an illustration due for Yale tomorrow that I never did. Oh well. It's not like I haven't missed an entire illustration for him before.
I need a superfast illustration. Maybe a cartoon or something. lol
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March 29th, 2004
01:36 am
So... I admited defeat. I couldn't finish my zipper pendant on time. The studio was locked when I went in to work on it. So yeah. I just hope it gets done by Wednesday so I'm not behind.
I also have til Wednesday to get an illustration done for Yale. Not sure about that one.
I can probably get my illustration done for Kim though. It'd pretty basic and I have almost three hours on Tuesday to work.
I wrote SEVEN pages of my eight-page paper today. I have a few pages worth of material left to write about. And this thing isn't due for another MONTH. :) Proud of me? And even though my mom helped me find the research and helped me organize it, I've written the whole thing myself. My teacher will let us turn in rough drafts, so hopefully I can just keep turning it in til I get almost a perfect paper. :) Or something. lol.
Sooooo I've decided to redo my naked Taun We picture. I decided I need to be more judicious with my compositions. The biggest problem with the first Taun We besides the poor inkwork was that the composition was very boring. Everything was about the same distance from the viewer, straight up and down lines... Much like my Clone Wars painting. I really should have shown less of the creature for the sake of a more dynamic composition. But I wanted to showcase the creature too much. I hate cliches but less is more I guess. I started going in that direction with the new Yuzzum/Rakazzak painting, but I think I could have pushed it more. I've done some thumbnails for Taun We, and I like them, but I don't know if I should keep going...
God I'm tired. That's all for me.
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March 25th, 2004
12:49 am
Stress. Stress stress stress.
My friend Bree moved back here. We're gonna hang out soon. I'm excited :)
School is a nightmare. Seriously. I actually have an idea for a character for once and all my designs SUCK ASS.
I don't even wanna post anymore.
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March 22nd, 2004
01:30 am
Yay for being happy. I hope it doesn't go away this time. lol.
I finished my illustration. Yay for me. I have a backup plan for my next one if I can't think of something. Better. I should probably do it just to have something done so I can do something cool next time. I'm gonna redo my naked Taun We picture. Painted this time. The last one was in ink and it tanked. Meh. I'll do her closer up this time. It'll be cool. I should bring references this time. I wonder what happened to the ink one... I'l have to find it in the morning.
So I was thinking. You know how Star Wars is all your basic mytholigical archetypes put in a space setting? The tragic hero and the epic journey and stuff? What if I took a more specific myth and turned it into something sci-fi and cool? I was thinking the twelve tasks of Heracles would be cool. Like instead of a demigod, my character would be like half human, half alien or something. Which would make him crazy strong. Or something. And he would have to do these twelve things or something. Like instead of killing the Nemean Lion and taking his impervious hide, he would have to destroy some indestructible robot/monster and take its armor. The only problem is there's TWELVE tasks. That's alot to cover in a movie. Although if I made it a comic book, it could go on for years. Yes? No? I still like the idea of a half human, half alien. It's kinda like Pitt, but Pitt sorta disappeared. Lol. Would it be better if I made the monsters from Greece into space monsters? Or robots? Both? I was thinking instead of centaurs and giants and titans, they could be alien races. Would it be lame if they were anagrams of the names? Like instead of "centaur" make it "nacteru" or instead of "stymphalian birds" make it "bystilpian drash" or something. I just made those up right now, but you know what I mean? Would that too obvious? Too cheesy?
I would like to conclude with this sentiment:
I LIKE BOOBS!
Thank you and goodnight.
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